This episode occurs after the events of the TV show's episode 4. Meet the A.V. Club, learn how we've been watching all of you (we swear it's not skeevy... okay, it's kind of skeevy), and listen as we share our strong opinions on #Jam (Josh and Sam, duh) and #Wurbley (do we even need to explain this one?). Also, our field correspondent Gap-Year may or may not have interviewed a real Celebrity Ghoulie.
This episode occurs after the events of the TV show's episode 4.
Meet the A.V. Club, learn how we've been watching all of you (we swear it's not skeevy... okay, it's kind of skeevy), and listen as we share our strong opinions on #Jam (Josh and Sam, duh) and #Wurbley (do we even need to explain this one?). Also, our field correspondent Gap-Year may or may not have interviewed a real Celebrity Ghoulie.
Creative Team:
Executive Producer/Head Writer - Aron Coleite
Senior Writer - Carly Woodworth
Writers - Eugene Ramos, Gabriel Ho
Executive Producers - Rae Votta (Netflix), Cole Galvin (Netflix), Jonathan Hirsch (Neon Hum)
Senior Producer - Gabrielle Lewis (Neon Hum)
Director - Corey Lubowich
Sound Design & Mix - Dan Dzula
Music Supervision - David Steinberg
Associate Producer - Kara Kornhaber
Cast:
Harvard - Tessa Netting
MIT - Kimia Behpoornia
Gap Year - Jared Goldstein
USC - Kyle Sherman
Featuring Austin Crute as Wesley Fists
HARVARD: From inside our post-apocalyptic studio slash bunker, this is, "The Only Podcast Left." I’m your host, Harvard. It's been six months since the world ended. But, once upon a time, before the bombs fell, before there were squirrels that can chew metal, before the streets were filled with blood-sucking Ghoulies who say things like, "I have to renew my subscription to US Weekly" and "I only pretended to watch Chernobyl to fit in at work…” I was fifteen years old. My father drove me to Glendale High every morning on his way to work. We always took Verdugo Road. My father liked taking Verdugo instead of Central or Brand because he said he couldn't stand the traffic. But Waze said Verdugo was five minutes longer than Central and six minutes longer than Brand -- so I knew...I just knew that my father wanted to spend five more minutes with me. This story is about a Tuesday morning in March 2018. I was listening to The Memory Palace. My dad asked me what we were listening to and I told him it was a podcast. He asked me, "What's a podcast?" I mean. How do you answer a question like that? I don't know how to describe it. I told him it's like the radio shows he listened to when he was a kid. He told me he was 45 and he grew up watching The Brady Bunch. And I was like duh. And he asked if they were all stories. And I was like, I don't know what you mean. He asked if they had interviews. I said, yeah, some. But others are investigative stories like Serial and some are political like Pod Save America. And some are pop culture fan discussions like After the Throne. Game of Owns. Game of Drones. Gay of Thrones. Pod of Thrones. Stark Raven Mad. A Cast of Kings. A Storm of Spoilers. Arya Talking to Me? And all those other Game of Thrones podcasts, you know. This, this is when he got really confused. Adults were so, you know, like that. Like when they didn't understand that they couldn't watch Netflix on your profile or else it would mess up the recommendations or when you had to explain what LQTM and SMDH meant. So after that, I played my dad all my favorite shows on our way to school. Song Exploder. Serial. Keep It. And those five extra minutes driving down Verdugo Road every morning helped us listen to a little bit more every day. Once the bombs fell, all those podcasts blew up too. So, my name is Harvard. Welcome to our show. This is — "The Only Podcast Left."
HARVARD: I'm sure you have a lot of questions. You're probably saying to yourself, "A podcast? In the apocalypse? What could this show possibly be about?"
USC: I was wondering that, too.
HARVARD: And that is my co-host, USC.
USC: You can call me by my first name - Devon.
HARVARD: And we're joined by our other co-host. We like to call her MIT.
MIT: Hi.
HARVARD: Oh. Hey. Turn your mic on.
MIT: It is on.
HARVARD: Then speak up.
MIT: .........Hola.
HARVARD: She's a little shy.
MIT: It's my first podcast.
HARVARD: Also joining us is Gap-Year.
GAP-YEAR: Wait, what?
HARVARD: Gap-Year! He is our field reporter.
GAP-YEAR: I thought I was doing sound effects. (FART SOUND)
HARVARD: No. We're not doing sound effects.
GAP-YEAR: (FART SOUND)
HARVARD: Okay. And last, putting the whole show together... Our producer, Mark. Hey Mark, can we put some music under this? Something poppy?
HARVARD: So we're all excited to bring you "The Only Podcast Left." It's like Keep It meets Pod Save America meets Strangers meets Ear Hustle meets Two Dope Queens meets The Moth.
MIT: That's a lot of things.
HARVARD: Yeah. And last, Celebrity Ghoulie of The Week, which features the once famous and now brainless stars brought to you by Gap-Year.
GAP-YEAR: Wait. What?
HARVARD: We discussed this.
GAP-YEAR: When?
HARVARD: Yesterday, remember?
GAP-YEAR: I was micro-dosing yesterday.
HARVARD: No, I, ugh, I saw that Ghoulie and then you said that they looked like Owen Wilson. And then you said, they all look like Owen Wilson. And then you’re like oh what other famous people could we find and then you could be like a TMZ Mad Max and go into the wasteland and find all the celebrity Ghoulies.
GAP-YEAR: I don't remember this at all.
HARVARD: USC, you heard him.
USC: Don’t call me USC. My name is Devon.
HARVARD: MIT?
MIT: Yeah.
GAP-YEAR: Not ringing any bells.
HARVARD: Well then what were you micro-dosing?
GAP-YEAR: No, I was macro-dosing.
HARVARD: What is macr - forget it. We have a tape recorder ready. So let’s just do this, okay?
GAP-YEAR: I'm not going out there alone. I'm doing sound effects. (FART SOUND)
HARVARD: Guys, take this seriously. We’re going to need signature segments if we want to get subscribers.
USC: You're making a show for no one.
HARVARD: That’s not true, USC.
USC: No, stop. My name is Devon.
HARVARD: We talked about this.
USC: Your name is Melissa.
HARVARD: We're using our codenames.
USC: And it's dumb.
HARVARD: It’s edgy.
USC: Wear a leather jacket.
HARVARD: I would never. I'm vegan.
MIT: Also this is an audio medium, so if you did that no one would see your jacket.
USC: I was being sarcastic.
HARVARD: You're being a snob.
USC: Melissa --
HARVARD: My name is Harvard.
USC: Melissa --
HARVARD: Harvard.
USC: You stole this whole bit from Zombieland.
HARVARD: Good artists borrow and great artists steal, okay? Pablo Picasso said that.
USC: Oh, well, Picasso wouldn't do a podcast.
HARVARD: Yes he would. Did you know that before the apocalypse there were like 700,000 podcasts? With 3000 new ones every week! Pablo Picasso would for sure have a podcast. It would be an art review called "Hip to be Square."
USC: Picasso was a cubist.
HARVARD: Whatever, the codenames are homage.
MIT: I think codenames are cool.
HARVARD: Thanks.
USC: Why are codenames so important to you?
HARVAR: Mark. Some inspiring music...
HARVARD: These names are about where we should have gone. Who we could've been. And, I don’t know, who we could still be.
GAP-YEAR: Wait, why am I Gap-Year?
MIT: Well, because you graduated. You were on your Gap Year when the bomb exploded.
HARVARD: Right.
GAP-YEAR: Ohh. No. No, I was working at Gap. For the year.
USC: Why does Mark get to be Mark?
HARVARD: It's not important, okay. This show is what is important. It's about our tribe planting a flag in the radioactive ground and declaring our place. Come on, guys.
GAP-YEAR: Okay... I'm in. I'm gonna get us a Ghoulie Celebrity.
HARVARD: Yes! Okay...MIT?
MIT: Yeah.
HARVARD: USC?
USC: Fine. You got it, Harvard.
HARVARD: This is going to be great.
HARVARD: So you're wondering... how are we doing this show? Well... during homecoming we were filming the big game, so when the bombs started dropping we already had all of our equipment.
USC: Yeah, we found refuge in that fancy juice place, Color Me Impressed Juice.
HARVARD: It's the combination Color Me Mine and cold pressed juice.
USC: Yeah, the place that used to be a Robeks.
HARVARD: No. It was a Jamba.
USC: No. It was a Jamba then a Robeks.
HARVARD: No. It was a Planet Smoothie then a Jamba then a Robeks.
MIT: I think it was in a Noah's Bagels.
HARVARD: Oh, whatever it was, it has all kinds of juice boosts that keep us going. Collagen. Flax meal. Dulse.
MIT: The dulse is really good.
HARVARD: Yeah. This place has got all the immunity boosters we need to stay alive and plenty of mugs to paint.
MIT: Ah but it is kinda exposed.
HARVARD: I mean, yeah, listen. You literally hear the Ghoulies right now. Mark, do we have any microphones that we can… Yeah, can you turn that up?
GHOULIE 1: Who is Becky with the good hair?
GHOULIE 2: I hate Ikea.
GHOULIE 3: Where’d I put my keys?
HARVARD: It’s not perfect, so that’s why we turned to MIT. She has serious smarts.
MIT: I won the STEM competition in Odda, Norway. And a hearty hyggelig møte deg to our Norwegian listeners.
HARVARD: Yeah, and to stay safe, we made our own security system.
MIT: I hacked 4,629 of the security cameras around Glendale. Traffic cams. Ring cams. ATM cams. The body cams on some of the Ghoulie police officers. In the high school. In the mall. In the car dealerships, oh, in the supermarket --
HARVARD: It's not as skeevy as it sounds.
USC: It's just as skeevy as it sounds.
HARVARD: No, it’s making us sound like voyeurs.
USC: Well, we never stop watching the feeds.
MIT: We're the binge generation. We need fresh content to drop.
HARVARD: So, yeah, we've been watching all the different tribes... especially what's been going down at the mall with Josh, Angelica and Wes. But it’s like a 24-7 viewing party with live commentary.
MIT: Yeah, we're big fans. We're fans and stans.
HARVARD: Yeah, we stan. For sure. Which brings us to our first segment. Mark! Transition music.
HARVARD: This is The Rehash. A recap of the week detailing the who's who and what's what in Glendale.
MIT: Double straight line spoilers.
HARVARD: In this week's Rehash...
MIT: Josh, Wesley and Angelica evaded being caught by Turbo.
HARVARD: Yeah, they found refuge in the mall, but had to contend with Eli Cardashyan.
MIT: No relation, pretty weird.
HARVARD: Yeah, Josh cut off his finger, because he was bit by a Ghoulie.
MIT: But, PSA -- Ghoulies aren't zombies. They’re hangry hangry hippos.
HARVARD: Angelica saved Josh and then lied about finding Sam's dead body.
MIT: Josh believed Sam was killed by Baron Triumph and had to get revenge.
HARVARD: He's such a romantic.
MIT: I know, so good. I really stan Josh and Sam.
HARVARD: Hashtag shipping.
MIT: Sash.
HARVARD: Jam.
MIT: Jam is better, yeah.
HARVARD: Thank you.
MIT: Okay. Oh! Meanwhile, Turbo wanted revenge on Josh for making him look puscular.
HARVARD:They all got caught by Baron Triumph who, insert dramatic prairie dog gif here, is PRINCIPAL BURR.
HARVARD: Then after Josh locked up Burr, get ready for the plot twist, we learned Wes and Turbo are face mashing.
USC: Why are you guys talking about this like it’s a show.
HARVARD: It's the closest thing we have, okay?
USC: This is our lives you’re talking about.
MIT: Hey! Don't judge me for setting sail on the SS Wes and Turbo. They give me butterflies in my girl parts.
HARVARD: I say Wurbo.
MIT: Hashtag, Turbley?
HARVARD: Hashtag more shipping news.
USC: Hashtag my favorite thing about Armageddon is that there are no more hashtags.
HARVARD: Why are you canceling our Christmas?
USC: I'm trying to help you.
MIT: Reading Manga and McSweeney's doesn't make you automatically deep.
HARVARD: Yeah.
USC: And recaps and shipping are bottom feeder fancast bullshit.
HARVARD: We're having a discussion.
USC: You're doting. It's embarrassing.
MIT: Because we're enjoying the show.
USC: Again. Not a show. And also. Yes.
HARVARD: What's wrong with liking something, huh?
USC: I don’t know, I thought you wanted to be relevant, not a knock-off Talking Dead.
MIT: I like Talking Dead.
USC: That shit is just propaganda for Walking Dead which doesn't allow for any real critical conversation.
HARVARD: After-shows are safe communities to talk about their crushes.
USC: They’re just manipulating their tomato rating with agitprop brainwashing.
MIT: Oh, your knowledge flex is as effective as whoever planned the Fyre Festival.
HARVARD: Okay hotshot, what would you do?
USC: Alright, let’s see. Umm.The queer quarterback dominates the YA landscape, but in the history of the NFL no active player has ever come out. Turbo is just a post-modern-post-apocalyptic trope.
HARVARD: You know what you are...?
USC: A thought leader. Thank you, very much.
MIT: No. No, thank you.You're toxic, okay? First, Turbo has never been in the closet so he’s already defying stereotypes. And second, you're just looking for something to gripe on. Just because the story doesn't go the way you expect it to go doesn't mean it's wrong. The audience has to understand that they are not in control. Okay, if you want authorship, then you can write fanfic. I do! Yeah, and and my eight part historical saga about Hermione and Sabrina being the reincarnated spirits of Sarah Good and Bridget Bishop who were hanged at the Salem Witch Trials - it got four hundred reads on Wattpad.
HARVARD: You go girl.
MIT: Yeah, you're probably one of those people who hated the end of Game of Thrones.
USC: Everyone hated the end of Game of Thrones.
MIT: Yeah, but you took it personally, huh?
USC: Yeah, because they took a piss in my eye-holes.
MIT: Oh, people like you disgust me. You’re just a troll waiting to scorch any show that people enjoy.
USC: Okay, this isn't a show.
HARVARD: Guys, guys! Come on. Just settle down. Stick to a script. We’re civilized. We're a tribe. Right?
HARVARD: Why don't we take this moment to cut to a word from our sponsor.
USC: Wha - sponsor?
HARVARD: Tribes of Glendale. Do you have something you want to barter or sell? We are looking for show sponsors. Perhaps one of you has trained monkeys to deliver messages
like an actual MAIL CHIMP. Or maybe you have a way of distributing easy-to-prepare meals like Blue Apron. Don't pass up this exciting opportunity. Also. We're kind of lonely here. It's just been the five us in the A.V. Club together for so long and people can get to you. I mean, does USC really have to use a movie quote like every single second. Like if he quotes Fletch one more time, or Midnight Run, or Step Brothers, I swear I’m going to rip out his tongue and use it in an easy-to-prepare Blue Apron recipe. So if you want to be a sponsor, leave us a post-it at 3rd and Central. Now let's get back to the show.
HARVARD: Guys, Gap-Year is back. So, that means it's time for Celebrity Ghoulie of the Week, where we interview whichever hot celeb Ghoulie Gap-Year found walking around. Which reminds me, if you catch a celebrity Ghoulie sighting, write in to us via the 3rd and Central submission system. So Gap-Year. Who did you find?
GAP-YEAR: Drumroll, please. Mr. Jay Leno.
HARVARD: Who?
GAP-YEAR: Seriously?
HARVARD: Seriously.
GAP-YEAR: Jay Leno.
HARVARD: Don't know who that is.
GAP-YEAR: Jay Leno. USC, back me up.
USC: Yeah. No. I --Do you -- I don’t know who --
GAP-YEAR: Jay Leno. He's like the most famous person in the Valley.
MIT: Oh, is he the lawyer on those buses?
USC: Oh, the Accidentes guy?
HARVARD: Oh, I love the Accidentes guy. He looks like a latino Fred Armisen.
USC: Well Fred Armisen is a latino Fred Armisen, but yeah --
MIT: I swore that lawyer was Fred Armisen.
HARVARD: Shit. What if it is?
MIT: Mind blown.
HARVARD: Why didn't you get Fred Armisen?
GAP-YEAR: Because I got Jay Leno.
HARVARD: Who is not a for-real celebrity.
GAP-YEAR: He hosted The Tonight Show.
USC: Oh, no. You're thinking of Jimmy Fallon.
GAP-YEAR: No. Before Jimmy Fallon.
MIT: Someone hosted the Tonight Show before Jimmy Fallon?
GAP-YEAR: Yeah. Jay Leno.
HARVARD: I bet he was better than Jimmy Fallon.
MIT: Yeah, I fucking hate Jimmy Fallon.
HARVARD: Me too! Jimmy Fallon is like my uncle trying to talk to me about Stranger Things.
USC: Oh, He's like, he’s like Steve Buscemi in those "How do you do, fellow kids" gifs.
HARVARD: Jimmy Fallon owns the Guinness Record for Most Fake Laughs On TV.
USC: Oh my god.
MIT: Probably. He literally laughs anytime a guest says anything in English.
USC: Yes! And at this point his desk should literally file a restraining order because he slaps it so much.
MIT: If I could punch any celebrity in the face it would be Jimmy Fallon.
USC: Wow!
HARVARD: And if you got a second punch?
MIT: Jimmy Fallon. Again.
GAP-YEAR: Look. Looks like you guys don’t want to hear Jay Leno's last words. Totally fine. I'll erase it.
HARVARD: No. Fine. We promised there would be celebrity Ghoulies and so we should deliver. I mean. Whatever. It's not going to be meaningful to anyone in a world where only teenagers are alive, where we are trying to build our fan base and get listeners, and you couldn't at least try to find someone with a skosh of name recognition?
MIT: I know, I mean Jordan Peele is always walking around the Silverlake Reservoir. And we've all seen Katy Perry at Gelsons. So, they must be around here somewhere.
HARVARD: Just whatever, sure... Play your Jay Leno audio so we can move on.
AUDIO: What's the deal with my chin?
MIT: Hm. Ghoulie Jay Leno sounds a suspicious amount like Gap-Year, yeah.
HARVARD: That’s because Ghoulie Jay Leno is Gap-Year.
USC: That's dirty.
HARVARD: Did you really think you could Lori Loughlin us by creating a fake celeb?
GAP-YEAR: Jay Leno is real. That - that was him.
USC: It sounded more like Jerry Seinfeld.
GAP-YEAR: Shit. That's who I was thinking about. Seinfeld.
HARVARD: Yeah, so it is fake.
GAP-YEAR: Yeah. Fine. Fuck. It's fake.
HARVARD: Did you even try?
GAP-YEAR: No.
HARVARD: Get your ass out there and find us someone good, okay? Did you check the rock climbing gym downtown?
GAP-YEAR: Fine, but if anything happens to me... my death is on your soul. Byeee.
HARVARD: It's time for the Tribe Spotlight, where we talk to a tribe. Find out who they are and what it is they do. But since this is the first show, and we don't personally know any tribes other than the ones we watch...
USC: You mean spy on.
HARVARD: We're really not stalkers.
USC: But we kinda are.
HARVARD: But to prove we're not, we're shining a light on ourselves. The A.V. Club. Five members strong. The adjectives I'd use to describe us are... witty, and keen.Open to new members, but we're also standoffish introverts so you’re gonna have to break through our armadillo armor. But inside you will discover amiable and loyal friends that enjoy playing card games like Scum or BS. USC... why did you join the A.V. Club?
USC: To use the camera equipment.
HARVARD: You make movies.
USC: I make films, yes.
HARVARD: Isn't that a lot of pretentious?
USC: Okay well someone has to keep up standards around here.
HARVARD: So you're the next Tim Burton?
USC: I did used a Malick pastiche and Tarkovsky lensing to make my opus, "Gyro Dreams of Sushi."
MIT: I saw that on Netflix.
USC: No, you're thinking of the documentary, Jiro Dreams of Sushi.
HARVARD: Then, what was your movie?
USC: My film was Gyro Dreams of Sushi.
HARVARD: Sounds the same.
USC: Okay, no. God, they’re totally different. I'm saying Gyro. Like the Greek sandwich. It was a parable about the unpopular lamb meat who wants to be as well-liked as the Japanese delicacy.
HARVARD: So, are you the unpopular lamb meat, then?
USC: Charlie Kaufman never commented on his work. I’d appreciate it if you gave me the same respect.
HARVARD: Well, did this film get you into USC?
USC: My english teacher, Mrs. Glick, said it was a four hour cry for help. But my mom said she kinda liked it, so. Win some, lose some.
MIT: Oh, boy.
HARVARD: Okay, so maybe MIT will have a more uplifting story. So, Astrid, what’s your story.
MIT: Well. So. Uhhhm. My name is Astrid.
HARVARD: Yeah, I just said that.
MIT: Right. I'm sorry.
HARVARD: Don't apologize.
MIT: No, oh. Sorry. I mean. I’m not sorry. So I, but um, I said it.
HARVARD: What do you want people to know about you?
MIT: Oh I, uhhhm, I dunno...
HARVARD: I don’t think her microphone’s working again.
USC: Can you turn it -- just like -- flick this switch.
MIT: It’s on I just said I dunno.
HARVARD: Don't be shy.
MIT: I'm not.
HARVARD: You don't want to talk anymore? You can't see this, but MIT is shaking her head no. Now she's agreeing with me and nodding her head yes? MIT. This is your chance to define yourself for our audience. Now she pulled up her shirt to cover her nose and mouth, like a turtle person.
USC: Alright, for all of our sakes. Your turn.
HARVARD: Me? Well... Some of you may remember me when I was simply Melissa Krom. A normal high school girl. President of the A.V. Club, and the French Club, and the Ethics Club, the Gay/Straight Alliance, Mock Trial, the Buddhist Prayer Circle, the Ecological Awareness Society, and PETA. Also, I'm no stranger to the podcast world. You know, I had three shows in high school. By Krom, Poetry From the Edge of the Melissa-Verse. Melissa & Bijoux, a cat-cast where I interviewed my cat, Bijoux. But my most popular show was a true crime drama -- Hall Pass: Who Ejaculated on the Tampon Dispenser in the 3rd Floor Girls’ Restroom? I spent most of my time carefully orchestrating my resume to get into a certain college.
USC: I bet you would've gotten in there.
HARVARD: We'll never know.
USC: Your resume is on point.
HARVARD: Yeah, is it though?
USC: Got me impressed.
HARVARD: All that. All that for nothing. I never had any time for friends... Not real friends that mattered. I thought... I don't know... I thought everything would be fine. It would all work out once I got to college, but now -- I don’t know, like -- that's never going to happen.
USC: You got us. We're your friends.
HARVARD: Yeah, are you?
USC: Yeah.
HARVARD: You don't act like it.
USC: It's a work in progress.
HARVARD: We scrap all day long.
USC: Yeah... that's what friends do.
HARVARD: You don't even wanna do this show.
USC: But we are doing it. We're trying.
HARVARD: MIT?
MIT: We're trying.
HARVARD: Thanks, guys. Now let’s wrap this up. Producer Mark? I've been thinking about that Tuesday morning in March. When my father was driving down Chisholm Road and I played him The Memory Palace. It was just after Parkland. And the episode was about Livinia Dock, a suffragette, fighting for women's equality. She noticed that most of the other women were all teenagers so she wrote an essay about it, "The Young Are at the Gate." I memorized it. “If any one says to me: 'Why the picketing for Suffrage?' I should say in reply, 'Why the fearless spirit of youth? Why does it exist and make itself manifest?' Is it not really that our whole social world would be likely to harden and toughen into a dreary mass of conventional negations and forbiddances? Into hopeless layers of conformity and caste, did not the irrepressible energy and animation of youth, when joined to the clear-eyed sham-hating intelligence of the young, break up the dull masses and set a new pace for laggards to follow? What is the potent spirit of youth? Is it not the spirit of revolt, of rebellion against senseless and useless and deadening things? Most of all, against injustice, which is of all stupid things the stupidest? Such thoughts come to one in looking over the field of the Suffrage campaign and watching the pickets at the White House and at the Capitol, where sit the men who complacently enjoy the rights they
deny to the women at their gates." ...Okay, who the hell is that?
USC: It's the back door.
MIT: It's Gap-Year.
HARVARD: I'm in the middle of the essay.
USC: Okay, will you go get him?
Harvard: "Surely, nothing but the creeping paralysis..."
MIT: Uh, she’s in the middle of her essay.
USC: I know, just get up and go get him.
MIT: Well I don’t know if I should…
HARVARD: "...Administrators, and guardians of the peace…”
USC: Okay, fine, fine, I'm letting him in...
GAP-YEAR: What took you so long?
USC: I don’t know, MIT wouldn’t get the door, it was a big thing…
GAP-YEAR: We have to go.
MIT: What happened?
GAP-YEAR: Well, I was looking for a celebrity Ghoulie when I saw a Duplass brother.
USC: Which one?
GAP-YEAR: Does it matter?
USC: Kinda.
GAP-YEAR: I never found out, I tripped on a stupid Bird scooter and skinned my elbows, and the road rash, it made all the Ghoulies go fucking crazy.
USC: You’re bleeding.
GAP-YEAR: Yes, I fell!
MIT: What ha -- I don’t understand what happened. So you --
GAP-YEAR: I was looking for a celebrity and then I fell and then I’m bleeding and then the Ghoulies, they love the blood or something? I don’t know they went nuts and started chasing me and then you guys wouldn’t open the fucking door!
MIT: Did that all really happen?
GAP-YEAR: We have to go right now, they’re outside.
MIT: I’m going to the window.
GAP-YEAR: Thank you.
MIT: I don’t really see any Ghoulies out here.
USC: Wait, what’s --
MIT: What?
USC: What’s that right there?
MIT: Oh, that’s a Ghoulie!
USC: That’s what we like to call a horde of fucking Ghoulies.
MIT: Oh my god they are running towards us right now.
GAP-YEAR: Yes, we have to go!
MIT: I understand!
USC: God, why did you bring them here --
MIT: They're coming in!
USC: Ghoulies are coming.
MIT: Oh fuck, we gotta just go.
HARVARD: "The Only Podcast Left" is hosted and executive produced by me, Melissa "Harvard" Krom. Our Culture Desk and co-host is Devon "USC" Arnold. Our engineer and co-host is Astrid "MIT" Cortez. Our Field Correspondent is Jaden "Gap-Year" Platt. Editing is done by Mark... Mark, I don't know your fucking last name.
USC: Harvard, you’ve gotta stop.
HARVARD: Keep tuning in! And don't forget to rate, review, subscribe. For some reason the servers are still up for Stitcher and Apple and Spotify and Overcast and Downcast so if you catch a connection you can download us to your heart's content. We'll be back for another episode next week. I HOPE.
GHOULIE: Keto diet schmeto diet, I'm taking a cheat day.