This episode occurs after the events of the TV show's episode 10. HELP US! Please stop reading this stupid fucking episode description and COME SAVE OUR LIVES!
This episode occurs after the events of the TV show's episode 10.
HELP US! Please stop reading this stupid fucking episode description and COME SAVE OUR LIVES!
Creative Team:
Executive Producer/Head Writer - Aron Coleite
Senior Writer - Carly Woodworth
Writers - Eugene Ramos, Gabriel Ho
Executive Producers - Rae Votta (Netflix), Cole Galvin (Netflix), Jonathan Hirsch (Neon Hum)
Senior Producer - Gabrielle Lewis (Neon Hum)
Director - Corey Lubowich
Sound Design & Mix - Dan Dzula
Music Supervision - David Steinberg
Associate Producer - Kara Kornhaber
Cast:
Harvard - Tessa Netting
MIT - Kimia Behpoornia
USC - Kyle Sherman
Featuring Austin Crute as Wesley Fists
HARVARD: I'm your host, Harvard. I’m sorry that the last episode got cut off. It just all happened so fast. Boys and girls that none of us knew showed up wearing suits. Fancy suits. Ralph Lauren, Kenneth Cole, Tommy Hilfiger. They surrounded us. We barricaded the doors and demanded to know what they wanted. They didn't answer. Just. Silence. These assholes were trying to get us to crack. But we knew we could outlast these fuckers. So now, it’s been 7 days, 3 hours and 24 minutes since they showed up. This is “The Only Podcast Left” and we are under siege.So the first rule of any siege is simple. Keep it breezy. Don't talk about personal issues. We still haven't resolved the romantic triangle between myself, MIT and USC. So I declared a ban on any discussion about love. The only safe activity for us to do was play games. Except Hearts. Or Life. Or Parcheesi. But that’s not because of love, that’s because we didn't have the rules and we couldn't figure out how to play. Day 1 of the siege was uneventful. Almost pleasant. We played Go Fish and I won 135 to 0. But then, USC hid all of the spades because he was jealous that I kept winning and then couldn't remember where he hid the cards. And then to make matters worse... someone ate our last Twizzler. We demanded that the culprit turn themselves in and face the consequences. But of course, no one came forward. So on Day 3, I conducted a thorough investigation. On Day 4, I made a diorama recreating the Twizzler heist using pipe cleaners. On Day 5, we binged Gilmore Girls. And then on Day 6, MIT confessed that she ate the Twizzler. But I knew she was lying. She hated Twizzlers. Was she protecting someone? And why? Perhaps we'll never know… Now it's Day 7 of the siege and we're talking directly to you, listeners. We can't do this show without your support. In order to stay on the air, we need your help. Literally. Please. Please come and rescue us. It takes a lot of work to put a show like ours on the air, and if you want to keep listening to this kind of quality content from the only podcast in the apocalypse, PLEASE DEAR LORD FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, JUST PLEASE COME SAVE US!!
MIT: It’s happening again.
USC: They're trying to get inside.
MIT: Maybe we should run.
USC: You know that they're guarding every exit.
MIT: What, so we're stuck here forever?
HARVARD: Someone will come.
MIT: We have to get out.
USC: We will never make it.
HARVARD: Listeners, we need your help.
USC: No one’s coming.
HARVARD: Our show reaches a vast audience.
USC: Glendale is in chaos. Turbo's been dethroned. Baron Triumph is dead.
MIT: And worst of all, Josh and Sam broke up. My ship is sunk.
HARVARD: Goodbye, Sash.
MIT: Adios, Jam.
HARVARD: Goodnight stan.
USC: I don't think you get how terrible it is out there. Look at the cameras. All the tribes are fighting now.
MIT: LARP Lords versus OG 818s.
USC: Yeah - STEM Punks versus 4-H.
HARVARD: Donut-Hos versus Bakery Boyz.
MIT: Classic rivalry.
USC: It's war out there. No one is coming to our rescue. No one.
HARVARD: Then I'll offer a challenge grant.
USC: A what?
HARVARD: They do this on NPR to help raise money. It's a challenge grant. For the next hour, if any tribe comes to our aid, we have great gifts and giveaways.
USC: What gifts?
HARVARD: Tote bags.
MIT: I love a tote bag.
HARVARD: And a hoodie.
MIT: Oh! You should put our tribe logo on it.
HARVARD: Yes! Yes, I'll custom embroider them.
USC: You know how to embroider?
HARVARD: Yeah. I learned when I volunteered teaching inmates how to crochet with fully self-sustained yak hair to help bolster my college resume. Duh.
USC: Well we don't have any tote bags.
HARVARD: Marc Maron must have some reusable shopping bags.
USC: No one wants a Gelsons bag with our stupid tag stitched on.
HARVARD: Then we'll have a giveaway.
USC: For fucking what?
HARVARD: A weekend at the St. Regis in Aspen.
USC: Okay, you can't give that away.
HARVARD: Then how about tickets to Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, the NPR news quiz.
USC: Stop it.
HARVARD: An all expense paid trip to Oahu?
USC: Harvard!
HARVARD: I'm trying. I'm trying to find a way out of here for us. Maybe. Maybe one our listeners can donate their car or truck or minivan. Maybe they have a used car that's cluttering up their driveway. And they can drive it up to Highland Park and leave it outside Marc Maron's house for a fully tax deductible donation. Act now and I'll even throw in a fucking tote so we can get the fuck out of here!
MIT: Are we going to die?
HARVARD: We are NOT going to die!
USC: There's always a chance we'll die.
HARVARD: But we probably won't.
USC: They want something we have.
HARVARD: You don’t know that.
USC: Maybe they want to take us captive.
MIT: To do what?
USC: Indentured servitude.
MIT: But I have shin splints.
HARVARD: Maybe it's not as bad as we think. Maybe they're fans.
MIT: Well then why are they attacking us?
USC: Shin Sang-ok and Choi Eun-hee.
HARVARD: What are you talking about?
USC: Shin Sang-ok was a South Korean film director. His wife, Choi Eun-hee, was an actress. The North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il was a fan of their films. Big fan. Such a big fan that he abducted them and forced them to make propaganda movies.
HARVARD: So you think they want to kidnap us so we can make a propaganda podcast?
USC: Hey, at least we would still get to do the show, you know...Together.
HARVARD: Stop talking like that.
USC: I'm just trying to be realistic.
HARVARD: No, you're trying to be romantic. I told you. The first rule of a siege is don't talk about personal issues.
MIT: Too bad we can't play Go Fish.
USC: I said I was sorry.
MIT: Where did you put the cards?
USC: I forgot.
MIT: Try to remember.
USC: I already looked everywhere.
HARVARD: Did you check the couch?
USC: Twice.
HARVARD: Under the Casper mattress?
USC: Yes.
HARVARD: In the pile of MeUndies?
USC: Yes.
HARVARD: What about the Zip Recruiter mini fridge?
USC: There's no such thing.
HARVARD: The Square Space panini maker?
USC: You're just listing sponsors.
HARVARD: I'm trying to get someone to come help us out. I am helping. The only thing you've done is hide the one game we have left.
USC: Because you cheated at Go Fish!
HARVARD: I would never cheat.
USC: No one wins 135 games in a row.
HARVARD: I'm aces at Go Fish.
USC: It's a game of chance.
HARVARD: I'm a lucky person.
MIT: Guys.
USC: Admit you cheated.
HARVARD: I didn't.
USC: You’re a fucking liar.
HARVARD: I swear.
USC: I bet you stole the Twizzler and MIT covered for you.
MIT: Guys.
HARVARD: Me?!? I investigated the crime.
USC: A regular Sarah Koenig.
HARVARD: Yeah, damn right I am.
USC: You are such a bitch.
HARVARD: Fucking asshole.
MIT: Guys. GUYS! Hey. Stop it. The both of you. Can't you see this is what they want. Those kids in the suits. This is exactly what they want. They want us to turn on ourselves and tear each other apart. I know we made a vow not to talk about our personal issues on the air, but we need to find some way to release this sexual tension.
USC: So what do we do...?
MIT: So, I had a thought. Last summer I binged every season of Friends because I wanted to write a fan fiction masterpiece. I did a deep dive to really understand the everlasting and international appeal of Friends. So I watched the English version. I watched the subtitled version in Japanese. Then Arabic, Portuguese, Polish, Turkish. I watched it out of chronological order. I also watched it backwards.
USC: Um..
MIT: Okay. Through my research I uncovered that the entire show is built around the promise of a potential thrupple.
HARVARD: A thrupple?
USC: A three person couple.
HARVARD: I know what it is.
MIT: There are many permutations that exist in the Friend-verse. There's the Chandler, Joey, Rachel thrupple. The Monica, Joey, Phoebe. The Phoebe, Gunther, Chandler. The classic Monica, Rachel and Emily. And some people even wanted a Ross, Rachel, Marcel, but I don't write zoophilia.
HARVARD: You want us to be -- a thrupple?
USC: Huh. Hadn’t thought about that.
MIT: Yeah. Yeah.
USC: So we'd all like be... dating each other?
MIT: Kind of. It's more like you're my girlfriend's girlfriend.
USC: Is that still considered a thrupple?
MIT: Let's say yeah.
USC: Do you think we can really do this?
MIT: It depends on logistics.
HARVARD: I don't think this is a good idea.
USC: Do we alternate days?
MIT: How does kissing work?
USC: We all kiss at the same time.
MIT: Well, that's too many faces.
USC: I guess we don't have to french.
MIT: That feels too platonic.
USC: So it’s a yes on the tongues?
MIT: Isn't that just a three-way?
USC: We can alternate tongues.
MIT: I still think that's a three-way.
USC: Not if we're in different rooms.
MIT: That seems complicated.
HARVARD: Guys, I'm really not into this.
USC: But how would we have sex?
MIT: Do we alternate days?
USC: I can make a Discord server for us.
MIT: Oh, that’s smart!
USC: Yeah, thanks. So we can just like set relationship goals.
MIT: Oh yes, like first kiss.
USC: Yeah, and taking each other to the airport.
MIT: Second kiss.
USC: Date nights.
MIT: Third kiss.
USC: Taking pottery classes together.
MIT: Fourth kiss.
USC: Woah, you’re just listing kisses.
MIT: ...It’s because I've never had one.
HARVARD: What?
USC: Really?
MIT: ...Yeah. I never kissed anyone. The closest I got was in sixth grade. Alan Pham dared Anthony Martorana to kiss me on the lips and when Anthony puckered up I punched him. I punched him in the solar plexus. Um and he threw up the Sourpatch Kids he just ate all over the hopscotch court. And Kimmy Abbott saw it all happen and smirked. Kimmy Abbott was cute. I told Kimmy Abbott I wish she was the one trying to kiss me. Her face got all squishy and she told me I was gross... um… so I punched her in the solar plexus.
USC: Maybe you're not ready for a thrupple. Which leaves me and Harvard and I guess makes us... a couple?
HARVARD: I'M NOT DOING THIS!!! I have something to confess. I'm not in love with either of you. I'm in love with Mark.
USC: Who's Mark?
HARVARD: Our Mark.
MIT: Producer Mark?
HARVARD: Mark… Uhhhm... Boy this is embarrassing. Mark, I don't know your last name.
MIT: You're in love with him and you don't know his last name?
HARVARD: I know his soul.
USC: How!?! He doesn't talk. I've never ever heard him speak.
HARVARD: He's the strong, silent type. He has a gold medal in listening.
USC: So. That's it.
HARVARD: Yeah, that's it.
MIT: You only have googly-eyes for Mark.
HARVARD: Yeah.
MIT: So, wait, what -- what just happened?
USC: Well I think our love triangle is a love SQUARE.
MIT: What does that mean for the thrupple? Three's a crowd, four's... a fourple?
USC: Um, umm… A quapple?
MIT: Squareple? Square Space?
USC: I mean, orgy?
HARVARD: No. There's no fourple. Or quapple. Or squarple. Or orgy. I just love Mark.
USC: And Mark loves you?
HARVARD: I mean, he hasn't said the words.
MIT: Well, he hasn't said any words ever.
HARVARD: But, we both feel it.
USC: Mark? Is this true?
MARK: *Crickets sound effect*
HARVARD: We had a connection. We both like Twizzlers. And our hands touched that one time, remember?
MARK: *Sad trombone sound effect*
HARVARD: What? Are you saying I misread this?
MARK: *Ding ding ding!*
HARVARD: I know you felt it too.
MARK: *A wolf howls.*
HARVARD: You're a lone wolf.
MARK: *A tape rewinds.*
HARVARD: You want to go back to how it was.
MARK: *A rooster crows.*
HARVARD: Yeah. Thanks for the wake-up call.
USC: They're -- they’re trying to break the windows.
MIT: We are so gonna die.
HARVARD: Okay... Well... We all know what that means. It's time to return to our "Come Save Us" pledge drive. We need listener support now more than ever to stay on the air! If this show is a part of your daily routine, consider giving us a small gift of your appreciation by saving our collective butts. We need at least one tribe to come to our aid or we will not reach our goal of continuing to breathe oxygen. And -- anyone who pledges to save us will get a free travel mug.
USC: When did you make mugs?
HARVARD: When we were based out of the Color Me Impressed -- the press juiced ceramic painting store -- but the mug broke when we had to run away from the Ghoulies. So I raided Marc Maron's kitchen. So I have three mugs to offer. There's one that says, "Fight me." The other one says "Espresso-Yo-Self" And the last one is from the Macy's Fiesta collection. I believe the color is "Bistro." So, tribes of Glendale. Forget your differences. Forget the land grabs. Who cares if you take over another hipster coffee shop with a punny name like "Expresso-yo-self?" What matters is saving your fellow tribes -- former Glendale High classmates -- from imminent death! We're not a threat! We're just the A.V. Club. The only A.V. Club left. So if anyone could come save us... that would be rad. Highland Park Donut-Hos -- Dominique, Missy -- we'd love to have your support. The exposure you got from our Tribe Spotlight must’ve boosted your sensual donut sales by at least 30% percent. LARP Lords -- Brandon -- we formally apologize for laughing AT you, not with you. When you put on that suit, you really do become an Autobot. So this is your chance for Optimus Prime to use his laser eyes or whatever robot skills that you possess to come save us. Kids of Glendale, I hope you will come together for a good cause. And if that still doesn't convince you -- remember, if you become a sustaining member who promises to protect us even after this siege is over, you will also get MIT's voice on your answering machine!
MIT: Uh… What do we do now?
USC: Anything on the message boards...?
MIT: Nothing.
HARVARD: It's time for the Tribe Spotlight.
USC: You're still going through with this whole podcast shit?!?
HARVARD: What? Our audience has come to rely on our excellent programming.
MIT: We're going to record our own death. It’s gonna happen. We’re gonna record our own death.
HARVARD: MIT, calm down.
USC: MI -- hey -- stop --
MIT: I can't. I'm suddenly very self conscious. Like when you hear yourself on a recording. And you think, that's not what my voice sounds like. All I can think about is how my scream of terror will have up-speak and vocal fry.
HARVARD: Please.. help me finish the show...
USC: Stop -- You are crazy.
HARVARD: We need to understand our enemy. That's why this week's Tribe Spotlight is on the assholes attacking us...Come on guys, please. Help me.
USC: Okay, fine. We -- we-- we don't know much about them… So let's check the cameras.
MIT: Okay, well, that's the weird thing, they avoid almost all the cameras.
USC: But why would they do that?
HARVARD: They don't want to be seen. They don't want us to know who they are.
MIT: How do they know to avoid the cameras?
HARVARD: We told them about the cameras in our very first episode.
MIT: They’re fans of the 'cast.
USC: I'm telling you they're gonna make us into a propaganda machine. Like Tokyo Rose or Jimmy Fuckin’ Fallon.
HARVARD: No. Fuck Jimmy Fallon. We need to get a good look at them.
MIT: Um. Maybe we can see them out the window.
USC: I mean the windows are all boarded up.
HARVARD: Uhh, look through the cracks?
MIT: Okay, yup… Um. I don't see -- I don’t see anything.
HARVARD: Oh! There are some over here.
USC: Okay, well, do you recognize anyone?
HARVARD: No. They're all just wearing suits.
USC: Well, there was probably a sale at Kohl's or something.
MIT: Who would want to wear a suit?
HARVARD: Speech and debate kids. Or maybe they went to a private school.
USC: Maybe -- maybe they're accountants.
MIT: Or morticians.
HARVARD: Maybe they're from outside Glendale.
USC: There is nothing outside of Glendale.
HARVARD: Yes, there is.
MIT: Hang on, I think -- I think I recognize someone -- It’s… Missy Clare Papas.
HARVARD: What?
USC: Oh. My. Shit. Donut-Ho Missy?
MIT: She's in a suit.
HARVARD: But, she's a fan of the 'cast.
MIT: I swear it's her. Okay? Look, you look for yourself
HARVARD: Yeah… it doesn’t make any sense but… I think it is Missy. What is she doing with the suits?
USC: Is she being held against her will? Maybe they abducted her?
HARVARD: And they're forcing her to do what? Make propaganda donuts filled with misinformation and lemon curd?
MIT: What is she doing with them? Did she change tribes? She seemed to be so happy as a Donut-Ho. Why -- why would she ever leave her own tribe?
USC: Well maybe she got in a fight.
MIT: Yeah.. yeah! Maybe. Maybe her and Dominique Lynn-Romero had a bad breakup.
HARVARD: Wait. Wh -- How do you know that they were together?
MIT: Because I have eyes.
USC: And a break up would definitely make Missy want to leave her tribe. A broken heart can lead to all sorts of things falling apart.
MIT: What -- wh-- what was that???
USC: I think they're coming through the windows.
HARVARD: We can fight them off.
USC: How?
HARVARD: We have each other.
MIT: I love you and you love Mark and USC loves you and Mark loves no one. How do we still have each other?
HARVARD: Oh I don't know! But we're the only ones we have, okay? When the entire world went to hell, we were there for each other. We didn't have a lot in common, or like each other very much, but we stayed together. We can get through this, okay?.
USC: We don't even trust each other.
HARVARD: You're right. We don't. So uh, before the kids in suits come in, I need to tell you guys that -- I cheated at Go Fish.
USC: I FUCKING KNEW IT!
HARVARD: MIT holds her cards like they're cooked noodles, okay? I can't help but look. I'm sorry.
USC: Fine, I have a confession too. The missing cards are in the DVD copy of Aladdin. There I said it.
HARVARD: You knew where the cards were this whole time?
USC: Yes, holding something over you gave me some sort of sadistic joy. I am sorry.
MIT: I have a confession too.
USC: We know. You ate the Twizzler.
MIT: No. I didn't. I lied when I said I ate the Twizzler. But that's not my confession. I just wanted you guys to stop fighting. I actually have been kissed. I said -- I said I never had a kiss because I thought that would make Harvard feel sorry for me and I could get a little action.
HARVARD: You guys were right. The pledge drive was a waste of time. All public radio pledge drives are. They just never make their goal. NEVER. Just like now. No one is coming for us. We're on our own. But, we are not going to die. And we're not going to be captured. We're gonna fight back! We're gonna show them that no one fucks with the A.V. Club! So what's it gonna be? Are we gonna die a pathetic death at the hands of fucking accountants? Or are we going to fight back?
MIT: Fuck yeah!! Let's do it.
USC: Yeah. Look for anything you can use as a weapon. I've got Marc Maron's mugs.
MIT: Umm.. okay, uhh…
HARVARD: I got this pen?
MIT: Oh! I dumped a fake plant out, the pot is pretty heavy.
USC: YES!
HARVARD: Get that pot.
MIT: Okay!
USC: Wait. What the fuck?? Producer Mark had a harpoon gun this ENTIRE TIME?
HARVARD: If you don't hear from us next week... thank you for listening. "The Only Podcast Left" is executive produced by--
USC: Are you doing the end credits right now?!
HARVARD: Yes, it might be the last time!! "The Only Podcast Left" is executive produced by me, Melissa "Harvard" Krom. Our Culture Desk and co-host is Devon "USC" Arnold. Our engineer and co-host is Astrid "MIT" Cortez. Editing is done by Producer Mark… Mark -- Mark you seriously have to tell me your last name.
USC: Here they come.
MIT: They're everywhere.
HARVARD: I love you, guys.