This episode occurs after the events of the TV show's episode 6. We discuss whether Josh and KJ booching was true love or totally cheating. The Highland Park Donut-Hos stop in for the Tribe Spotlight. Gap-Year tries to find out what caused the end of the world instead of finding a celebrity Ghoulie like he's supposed to be doing. The episode ends with a bang. Literally. Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
This episode occurs after the events of the TV show's episode 6.
We discuss whether Josh and KJ booching was true love or totally cheating. The Highland Park Donut-Hos stop in for the Tribe Spotlight. Gap-Year tries to find out what caused the end of the world instead of finding a celebrity Ghoulie like he's supposed to be doing. The episode ends with a bang. Literally. Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
Creative Team:
Executive Producer/Head Writer - Aron Coleite
Senior Writer - Carly Woodworth
Writers - Eugene Ramos, Gabriel Ho
Executive Producers - Rae Votta (Netflix), Cole Galvin (Netflix), Jonathan Hirsch (Neon Hum)
Senior Producer - Gabrielle Lewis (Neon Hum)
Director - Corey Lubowich
Sound Design & Mix - Dan Dzula
Music Supervision - David Steinberg
Associate Producer - Kara Kornhaber
Cast:
Harvard - Tessa Netting
MIT - Kimia Behpoornia
Gap Year - Jared Goldstein
USC - Kyle Sherman
Missy - Sinéad Persaud
Dom - Rachel Leigh Moore
Featuring Austin Crute as Wesley Fists
HARVARD: This is "The Only Podcast Left." I’m your host, Harvard. This week, I want to talk to you about survival. What it takes to stay alive. Not a lot of people knew the school janitor Viktor Kudryatec. A true survivor. Viktor was born in a little town in Siberia called Durobysvstad. He didn't have much. He was given broken cutlery to use for toys. And his only friend was a feral cat named Bakenbardy. It means, "whiskers." Viktor had played with the cat every day for a year before he realized the cat was actually dead. It died three years earlier from dysentery and froze in the Tundra. Viktor's mother was a blind seamstress. His father, was a deaf logger who could not hear a tree falling in the forest and therefore was unemployable. To compensate for his parents' inability to earn a living, Viktor went to work in the coal mines. However, the Siberian prefecture had strict child labor laws and Viktor couldn't work as a minor miner, but due to severe budget cuts he did find work as a toilet plunger. Things didn't get much better for Viktor when he emigrated to America. The first job he had was putting together Ikea furniture. Viktor watched his co-workers descend into madness as they assembled cabinets according to directions that were just smiley faces and numbered arrows. When building a Hoghem cabinet set, Viktor nearly lost his own mind. He knew he had to find a new line of work. Viktor thought his fortune was changing when he got a job as a janitor at Glendale High. It reminded him of the good old days when he worked as a toilet plunger in the Siberian mines. Yes. Everything seemed to be looking up for Viktor. But then...The world ended. Now he’s a Ghoulie that says one thing. “Bakenbardy.” Whiskers. The name of his frozen, dead, feral cat. Bakenbardy...Bakenbardy... again and again into eternity.
USC: Fuck. Are we really gonna open every show with this wannabe Ira Glass NPR bullshit.
HARVARD: I'm setting a tone.
USC: No, you're more grating than cheese.
HARVARD: I'm setting up how we survived the end of the last episode. It's what a good host does. Craft.
USC: This show almost killed us.
HARVARD: Yeah, but we didn’t die.
USC: You're so stupid pompous, I bet you think about having sex with yourself when you masturbate.
MIT: Hey, don't fight.
HARVARD: Grate my shmegma, USC.
USC: Dumb ass Vagisil sniffer.
HARVARD: Uh, suck my dick in hell.
USC: Uh, suck Jimmy Fallon’s dick in hell.
MIT: Oh, wow. Hey.
GAP-YEAR: Hey, hey! Same team. Same team.
HARVARD: Guys, we survived, right?
USC: Barely.
HARVARD: It's all for the best. That ceramics-slash-pressed-juice-bullshit was good for mugs and protein supplements, but not for a podcast.
USC: Right, but now we’re in a garage, and that’s supposed to be better?
HARVARD: Not - no, we’re not just in any garage. We’re in Marc Maron’s garage. His garage studio. In Highland Park. This is the same studio where he originally recorded his show, WTF. It has a recording booth. A sound board. Generators.
MIT: It has access to the surveillance system that I set up.
HARVARD: Yeah.
GAP-YEAR: Yeah. Except it didn’t come with any celebrity Ghoulies.
HARVARD: Which, I must admit, is fully disappointing.
GAP-YEAR: I’m working on it.
HARVARD: I thought muscle memory might bring some of Marc Maron's Ghoulie-fied guests back here. At the very least Sarah Silverman.
USC: I think this is all fucking stupid.
HARVARD: Shut up! Whatever, maybe they’ll come eventually. Welcome to "The Only Podcast Left." This episode is brought to you by Casper Mattress. It's not only the internet's favorite mattress because of the all-foam material, but it's also beneficial in case of an apocalypse. Casper mattresses are perfect for soundproofing rooms so noise doesn't attract unwanted Ghoulies. Or if your home is being raided by a gang of marauders and you need to jump out a second floor window... put a Casper mattress or two under the window to cushion your landing. While other kids might be hoarding water, gasoline, and buckets of ninja stars -- smart kids are grabbing Casper mattresses. You can't spend the day fighting for your life if you don't get a good night's sleep. Gather ye mattresses while ye may. Casper Mattress.
HARVARD: We have a huge announcement.
MIT: So huge.
HARVARD: Big.
MIT: So big.
HARVARD: Beyoncé dropping a surprise album and everyone going apeshit big.
MIT: So apeshit.
USC: Wow, you guys are hyping the shit out of nothing.
HARVARD: Dude, don't yuck our yum.
MIT: Come on!
HARVARD: Yeah, you just hate that I'm right. That this show is actually being heard. We have a real life actual listener.
USC: It's one download.
GAP-YEAR: From a listener.
USC: I don't believe it's real.
MIT: You -- You're doubting my tech?
USC: I'm just calling bullshit.
HARVARD: Yeah, well, The Highland Park Donut-Hos are going to be in the studio for our weekly Tribe Spotlight.
MIT: SO IN YOUR STUPID FACE, BRO!
HARVARD: MIT, sit down. Sit down.
USC: Wow. Wow.
MIT: Sorry. I just get excited.
HARVARD: Yeah. Thank you, but unnecessary.
USC: How do we know they're legit?
HARVARD: They said they were fans.
USC: And you believed them?
HARVARD: They seemed sincere.
USC: Or they could just want our stuff.
HARVARD: No.
MIT: Do you think they'd lie?
USC: It's the fucking apocalypse. Lying is mandatory.
GAP-YEAR: Yeah. Maybe we shouldn't let 'em in.
HARVARD: No -- you guys. I mean. Come on. It's kind of hard to do the tribe spotlight without a tribe.
USC: So you'd risk our lives all for one tiny segment?
HARVARD: No. No. Of course not. But. You know, we did the Tribe Spotlight on ourselves last week, so I — I don't really think we have a choice.
MIT: Yeah, we don’t have a choice.
USC: You guys are idiots. We're gonna die.
HARVARD: I'm certain that we’ll be fine. Besides. We set up Casper Mattresses outside every window in case we need to make a quick escape.
GAP-YEAR: About that...
HARVARD: What?
GAP-YEAR: I couldn't find a Casper Mattress.
HARVARD: Gap-Year. I -- shit.
GAP-YEAR: I brought all those Sertas.
HARVARD: They're not the same thing.
MIT: Yeah, Serta isn't our sponsor.
HARVARD: Yes!
USC: Neither is Casper. This is all just an imaginary show in your head.
HARVARD: No, guys, The Highland Park Donut-Hos will be in here after we finish The Rehash and lead into the Celebrity Ghoulie.
GAP-YEAR: Ugh, we're not still doing that are we?
HARVARD: What -- why not?
GAP-YEAR: The us almost dying part?
HARVARD: No - our listeners are expecting it.
GAP-YEAR: Wait… wasn’t it like one listener, though. Just like. One.
USC: Right. A listener who might be trying to kill us and take our stuff.
GAP-YEAR: There's deranged shit going down. Did you see Ms. Crumble's back? Ugh. We're wasting our time with stupid celebrity bullshit like BuzzFeed when we should be investigating what's going on, like BuzzFeed.
HARVARD: No, no, guys. Early episodes require consistency. We have to establish our weekly segments.
GAP-YEAR: Seriously?
HARVARD: Yes. Seriously.
GAP-YEAR: Ugh, fine. I'll grab my tape recorder. I hope the Highland Park Donut-Hos don't kill you, grind up your bones into a powder, and bake you into a matcha green tea donut when I'm gone.
HARVARD: And now it's time for The Rehash. Guys. Shit got real this week.
MIT: The drama is ratchet.
HARVARD: Josh found Sam! She's at the high school. One of Turbo's pinnies.
MIT: It's OMGTLRE
HARVARD: Very OMGTLRE.
USC: Wait what is OMGT
MIT: LRE.
HARVARD: Oh-my-god-true-love-really-exists.
USC: That's not a thing.
HARVARD: Yeah, it is now.
USC: Well also it’s not OMGTRLE. Josh booched KJ.
HARVARD: So you have been watching.
USC: You watch and rewatch our security feeds like a hundred times.
HARVARD: Yeah. I'm studying for the pod.
MIT: Booched?
USC: Ugh, you’re substituting these people's lives for Riverdale. It's sad.
HARVARD: Our brains have been permanently, physiologically rewired by streaming music and video. Okay? Our demand for immediate gratification is skewed. And we don't watch ALL the time. We only watch in our window. 6 hours a day. Like intermittent bingeing.
MIT: JOSH AND KJ DID NOT BOOCH!
USC: Josh and KJ fugged. They gurked. Toasted. Gatched. Leveled up. Exchanged digits. Went manga. Got a bonus round. Full contact cuddling. Sodded lawns.
HARVARD: You are so gross.
USC: I’m just honest.
MIT: I'm pretending it didn't happen.
USC: Why? Did it -- did it sink your ship?
MIT: Yeah. I'm emotionally invested in Sash.
HARVARD: Jam.
MIT: Josh and Sam are everything. Josh and KJ? They’re worse than Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson. Inconvenient AND baffling. And definitely not OMGTLRE.
USC: And that’s definitely still not a real thing.
MIT: It is!
HARVARD: They have nothing in common.
USC: What -- they both skate.
HARVARD: MIT and I both love mac and cheese. Does that mean we should make out?
MIT: It can.
HARVARD: What?
MIT: Nothing.
USC: Look, Josh is allowed to have sex.
HARVARD: He's cheating on Sam.
USC: He thought Sam was dead.
HARVARD: It was an emotional affair.
USC: Again. Sam was dead!
HARVARD: He should’ve waited six weeks.
MIT: Six months.
USC: Six months?
HARVARD: A year.
MIT: A year if he really loved Sam.
USC: Dude is a red-blooded teen. What are you talk--
HARVARD: Your cock has to sit shiva after a girlfriend dies. That's the rules.
USC: You cannot handcuff someone's balls because it doesn't fit your definition of romantic love.
HARVARD: Of course you think that. Your idea of romance is an uninterrupted hour on Pornhub.
USC: Wow, okay.
HARVARD: This misogynistic behavior has been nothing but celebrated in pop culture. Don Draper. Tony Soprano. They're defined by their extra-marital affairs. We are told to believe that they're heroes, instead of showing them as the fucking lecherous assholes they really are.
USC: Look, Josh is not complex like Don Draper. He’s so simple. He’s -- he’s like Ross.
HARVARD:Oh my god, if you say Ross and Rachel were on a break I will punch you in the face.
USC: Rachel asked for a break.
HARVARD: Everyone knows that a break means you want the relationship to work.
USC: Yes, Ross wanted the relationship to work. He gave her an out.
HARVARD: Are we even watching the same show?
USC: Rachel broke his heart. Back me up, come on.
MIT: Okay, sure -- so broke that he slept with Chloe?
Harvard: Yeah!
USC: Oh, okay. Look, I wanted Ross and Rachel to end up together. Don't label me as a frat bro because I have a dick. That's not fair. And we don't know what is going on in Josh's head or how sleeping with KJ will affect his relationship with Sam. People mess up. That's real life. It's what happens next that defines their character and defines their relationships. Personally, I think Josh is gonna do everything to get Sam back. I think he's a romantic. I think -- I don’t know -- life isn't meaningful unless it's spent with another person. I definitely learned that from Brokeback Mountain.
MIT: Oh boy.
USC: But some people, some guys, are too scared to admit how much they love someone and then they act like an asshole and they ruin any chance with the person who was the best thing that ever happened to him.
HARVARD: Okay.
MIT: Very awkward.
HARVARD: And -- and that's The Rehash. This week's Tribe Spotlight is on our first listeners and new friends of the cast... The Highland Park Donut-Hos! The A.V. Club helped produce their Tasty-style insta videos. But in the apocalypse, they’ve emerged from the powdered sugar ash and radioactive sprinkles as the Highland Park Donut-Hos. They can do wonders with whatever ingredients are still left on earth and turn them into divine creations. Here to talk about their tribe are Dominique Lynn-Romero and Missy Clare Pappas.
DOMINIQUE: Hey.
MISSY: Yeah. Hey.
DOMINIQUE: I'm Dom.
MISSY: Missy.
DOMINIQUE: Thanks for having us.
MISSY: Yeah. Thanks.
HARVARD: You're welcome.
DOMINIQUE: Good to be here.
MISSY: Missed you guys.
DOMINIQUE: We loved making those insta videos.
MISSY: My favorite was Amuse My Bouche.
DOMINIQUE: That was a good one.
MISSY: Got a lot of likes.
DOMINIQUE: Not as much as Hot Shrimp.
MISSY: That was the best.
DOMINIQUE: I liked Knish You Were Here.
MISSY: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
DOMINIQUE: Good old days.
HARVARD: First question, ladies.
DOMINIQUE: Shoot.
MISSY: You can ask us anything.
HARVARD: There are some people here, that want to make sure you're not gonna take all our stuff and then murder-kill us.
MISSY: Wow.
DOMINIQUE: Yeah. Wow.
USC: Not to offend you, but you understand if we're a little skeptical.
MIT: And curious.
DOMINIQUE: Sure. You don't know us.
MISSY: It's a good question.
DOMINIQUE: You're right to ask it.
USC: So is that a yes?
DOMINIQUE: No.
USC: You paused.
DOMINIQUE: We're not gonna murder-kill you.
USC: You paused again.
MISSY: That's our ASMR.
DOMINIQUE: To combat the misery of Armageddon, the Highland Park Donut-Ho's create low grade euphoria with a broad range sensory experience.
MISSY: Auditory experiences.
DOMINIQUE: Gustatory experiences.
MISSY: Olfactory.
DOMINIQUE: Visual.
MISSY: Sensual.
DOMINIQUE: You're already feeling it...
MISSY: Tension evaporating.
DOMINIQUE: Concern floating away.
USC: So you're not gonna kill us?
DOMINIQUE: No
HARVARD: Okay, so how did you hear our 'cast?
MISSY: Well, we were gonna hit the Color Me Impressed for some turmeric and espresso cups when we saw the remnants of your equipment and discovered you were making a podcast.
DOMINIQUE: Love your work.
MISSY: We're glad you survived.
DOMINIQUE: Big fans.
MISSY: We want to help spread the word.
HARVARD: Yeah?
DOMINIQUE: Yeah.
MISSY: Yeah.
USC: Okay, I think they're sirens, trying to ASMR us to death.
MISSY: We come in peace.
DOMINIQUE: Mhm!
MISSY: We even brought you a recipe.
DOMINIQUE: Some tribes survive by making war.
MISSY: We survive by making love.
DOMINIQUE: A love of donuts.
MISSY: The most sensual of donuts.
DOMINIQUE: Glazed.
USC: Isn't glazed rather pedestrian?
MISSY: You've never tasted anything like our glistening holes.
MIT: Excuse me?
MISSY: Our donut holes.
DOMINIQUE: That was our original name.
MISSY: The Highland Park Donut-Holes.
DOMINIQUE: Some asshole called us Donut-Hos
MISSY: They thought they were being clever. Thought it would hurt our feelings.
DOMINIQUE: It didn't.
MISSY: We reclaimed the name.
DOMINIQUE: It's provocative. Carnal. Enigmatic. Simple and --
HARVARD: So what's this recipe?
MISSY: You have to get a good glaze.
DOMINIQUE: Mmm. A creamy one.
MISSY: Thick.
DOMINIQUE: Warm some milk.
MISSY: Not boiling. Just bubbling.
DOMINIQUE: Pour in sugar and stir.
DOMINIQUE: Taste it. But not with a spoon.
MISSY: Run a little on your lips with your finger and then lick it off.
DOMINIQUE: Slowly. Taste the cream.
HARVARD: Oh my god, Producer Mark just fell over in his chair. Thank you, Highland Park Donut Hos. This was...
MIT: Porn?
HARVARD: Very informative.
DOMINIQUE: You are so welcome. We came on the show because we want every tribe listening to know that we're willing to barter. If you have something good to trade, you can eat our donut holes. But. If you fuck us over...we will deep fry your testicles and serve them to you on a ciabatta with a Sriracha aioli. Okay? Great.
HARVARD: Time for everyone's favorite segment -- Celebrity Ghoulie of the Week! And we have ridic news. A celebrity sighting at the Highland Park Bowl. A listener left a post-it on 3rd and Central. Apparently Bradley Cooper -- "he so booched Lady Gaga" --likes to get his bowl on. So we alerted Gap-Year to follow the lead. So, Gap-Year? Did you find the Coop?
GAP-YEAR: Look. I know you guys don't take me seriously. I'm not tech-savvy like MIT. Or charismatic like Harvard.
USC: Or competent.
MIT: Or smart.
HARVARD: Or funny.
GAP-YEAR: I get it! You think I’m a slacker. And you're right. I took my Gap Year to work for a year at the Gap, because I thought that's what you were supposed to do. I'm not driven. I didn't have aspirations to make the world a better place. Like joining the Peace Corps to teach orphan kids in Sudan how to dab or pickpocket from American tourists. But after almost dying, I have a sense of purpose. I’m concerned about what is happening with the Ghoulies.
HARVARD: Yeah, so, is this your way of saying there's no celebrity interview. Again.
GAP-YEAR: I found someone better.
USC: Who?
GAP-YEAR: A scientist at JPL. Our show is drowning in the mundane of what used to be while the world is mutating. You haven't been out there like I have. I found an elm tree in Eagle Rock that only sings Halsey songs.
HARVARD: What?
GAP-YEAR: And I saw a full size horse that’s been shrunk down to miniature size.
HARVARD: No -- no -- that's a shetland pony.
GAP-YEAR: A what?
HARVARD: They're small horses. Not mutants.
GAP-YEAR: You're fucking with me.
HARVARD: No!
MIT: Have you been macro-dosing?
GAP-YEAR: I'm sober. Mostly. I had some CBD in my morning coffee because I had a neck crick thing when I woke up.
HARVARD: You should sleep on a Casper Mattress --
GAP-YEAR: And I took some cough syrup because I felt a cold coming on. And I may have sniffed some modeling glue when I was trying to repair my torn jeans. And yes, I ate some random mushrooms because I was hungry. But. Look. We need answers. And I think I found them at JPL.
MIT: The pizza place?
GAP-YEAR: That's CPK. JPL! Jet Propulsion Labs. It’s in La Canada--
USC: La Cañada?
HARVARD: Who did you find?
GAP-YEAR: A Ghoulie Scientist. He had on a jumpsuit because he was preparing to go into like a shelter or space or something but he never make it. The scientists -- they also had like all these tools. Like -- like he was trying to build something important. And he kept saying one word in Russian. I think they might be behind the bombs.
HARVARD: Are you serious?
GAP-YEAR: I recorded him...
HARVARD: Producer Mark... cue up the tape.
GAP-YEAR: Okay, so this is me getting closer to the Ghoulie. Trying not to get spotted. It gets clearer in a second.
RUSSIAN GHOULIE: Bakenbardy. Bakenbardy. Bakenbardy.
HARVARD: Are you fucking kidding me?
GAP-YEAR: What?
HARVARD: Turn off the tape, Mark.
GAP-YEAR: No. This is important.
HARVARD: That's not a scientist, Gap-Year. That's Viktor Kudryatec.
MIT: The high school janitor?
HARVARD: He must moonlight at JPL.
GAP-YEAR: No. He's saying something important.
HARVARD: No. “Bakenbardy” means whiskers. It's the name of his childhood, frozen, dead, feral cat. Which. Honestly. Is just the saddest thing ever.
GAP-YEAR: I was trying to help.
HARVARD: Well stop. If anyone is doing investigative journalism, it’s me. I’m the New York Times. You’re Us Weekly. I'm NPR, you're FOX. I'm… another reputable source and you're fake news! Stop pretending like you know better and go find a REAL celebrity, unless you’re determined to ruin this segment for a third fucking time. Producer Mark, just take us out…
HARVARD: Thank you all for another great episode. Okay, it wasn't great. It was below average. It was mediocre. It achieved the qualifications for a podcast episode. Yeah. It was at least better than last week.
MIT: But the -- but the next episode is going to be amazing. Right, Harvard?
HARVARD: Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Well, thanks everyone. We're the A.V. Club. This is "The Only Podcast Left." Be sure to rate, review, and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.
USC: Wow, we really nailed this episode guys.
HARVARD: Yeah. Fine. We’re done here. Okay? Producer Mark. That's a wrap.
USC: No one is subscribing to this.
MIT: Well, uh, I'm gonna grab some lunch... Harvard? You wanna --
HARVARD: I'm fine, thanks. You go.
USC: Hey. Melissa. Harvard? Are you okay?
HARVARD: Kosher.
USC: You seem kinda upset.
HARVARD: It's nothing.
USC: Come on, you can talk to me.
HARVARD: Okay. Fine. Just. I mean. Why do you have to be such an asshole?
USC: What? Me?
HARVARD: Yeah. You're argumentative for no reason. You cut me down and you make me feel insignificant and stupid. Okay? And I am trying... I’m super trying here to make this show excellent. To give us something to do with our lives and you just want to tear me down. Why? Why do you hate me so much?
USC: I -- I don't hate you.
HARVARD: Yeah, you don't not hate me.
USC: I believe in this podcast.
HARVARD: You're such a bro-nocchio.
USC: Come on, I'm trying to make this interesting.
HARVARD: You insult me like I'm some lib on 4chan, not your friend.
USC: I'm creating tension and drama.
HARVARD: Well, I hate it.
USC: I'm sorry. No, I -- I’m being honest. I am. I don’t -- I don’t want to make you feel like this. I think you're all time. You're -- you’re brilliant and original -- and and and -- sharp, and --
HARVARD: You were drooling over those Donut-Hos and their fucking glazed holes.
USC: Yeah because they hypnotized me with their ASMR. You’re -- you’re the only person that I've ever been interested in. Why do you think I'm here?
HARVARD: Because of me?
USC: I'm going to kiss you.
HARVARD: I'm going to let you. We shouldn't do this. It's unprofessional.
USC: The recording booth -- it’s -- it’s empty. We're the only ones who'll know.
HARVARD: Okay, okay, just, grab that off the wall so we get horizontal here.
USC: Woah, hey. This mattress is really comfy.
HARVARD: It's a Casper.