This episode occurs after the events of the TV show's episode 10. In this completely normal episode, we're back to our regular programming as we discuss what's going on in Glendale. The STEM Punks visit the studio for the Tribe Spotlight.
This episode occurs after the events of the TV show's episode 10.
In this completely normal episode, we're back to our regular programming as we discuss what's going on in Glendale. The STEM Punks visit the studio for the Tribe Spotlight.
Creative Team:
Executive Producer/Head Writer - Aron Coleite
Senior Writer - Carly Woodworth
Writers - Eugene Ramos, Gabriel Ho
Executive Producers - Rae Votta (Netflix), Cole Galvin (Netflix), Jonathan Hirsch (Neon Hum)
Senior Producer - Gabrielle Lewis (Neon Hum)
Director - Corey Lubowich
Sound Design & Mix - Dan Dzula
Music Supervision - David Steinberg
Associate Producer - Kara Kornhaber
Cast:
Harvard - Tessa Netting
MIT - Kimia Behpoornia
USC - Kyle Sherman
Featuring Austin Crute as Wesley Fists
HARVARD: This is "The Only Podcast Left."I'm your host, Harvard. One of the most important lessons I learned in Ms. Crumble's biology class is about deception. The polka-dot moth is absolutely scrumptious to its predators and mostly defenseless against them. But it has one effective defense mechanism. It sounds exactly like the wretched-tasting cyncia moth. By mimicking the sound of its cousin, who probably tastes like dill-covered olives, the polka-dot moth survives through deception. In our last episode, it sounded like we were under siege by a mysterious tribe in suits, but...
MIT: Psych.
HARVARD: It was a fake. A radio drama.
USC: A hat tip to War of the Worlds.
HARVARD: We flexed our editing skills.
USC: State-of-the-art sound effects.
MIT: MTV Awards-level acting.
HARVARD: And we magicked life-or-death stakes to demonstrate the A.V. Club is not some defenseless tribe. No. We have the power of sound to create deception... and snatch more subscribers.
USC: A big ol' thirst trap.
MIT: Our subscriptions skyrocketed.
HARVARD: So, to the listener who sent us the message, "You good?"
USC: We good.
MIT: 100 percent emoji. Thumbs up emoji.
HARVARD: We definitely were not taken over by an evil tribe in real life.
USC: Nope.
HARVARD: They are definitely not here watching everything we do and making us read from a script.
USC: ...Right.
MIT: That would be preposterous.
HARVARD: It's definitely not like the story USC told about the Korean filmmakers.
USC: The husband and wife who were abducted by a North Korean dictator and forced to make propaganda films.
HARVARD: That -- that didn't happen here. We're fine.
USC: Yes. We are fine.
MIT: Totally... fine.
HARVARD: In today's episode, we go back to normal. We will start with the Rehash and talk about what happened this week in Glendale. Then the Tribe Spotlight, where we will have the STEM Punks in the studio. And, hopefully -- we will finally get an actual Celebrity Ghoulie of the Week. But before we begin, I want to address the relationship angst that has plagued us these last few weeks.
USC: That wasn't fake.
MIT: Our love was real.
HARVARD: But it's all been resolved.
USC: Marc Maron has a copy of "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars."
HARVARD: But we also read "The Five Love Languages."
MIT: Okay, but we didn't understand it.
HARVARD: Yeah. But now we're just friends.
USC: We’re basically siblings.
MIT: Right. Platonic AF.
HARVARD: Which bring us to this week's Rehash. It's been almost a week since Baron Triumph tried to melt our faces, and things in the Valley are very exciting. Josh and the Daybreakers… They are doing… great.
MIT: Sam and the Jocks are doing great.
USC: All the tribes are doing great.
HARVARD: So that's... great.
USC: Yes.
MIT: Great.
HARVARD: Well, what else...?
USC: It sprinkled a little bit yesterday.
MIT: And a 4-H kid lost his sheep. But then. He found it.
USC: Ah. Good.
HARVARD: Uh, there -- there was a tragedy amongst the Disciples of Kardashia yesterday....
MIT: Oh no.
USC: No...
HARVARD: Zoey Ketch chipped a nail.
USC: That’s so tragic.
HARVARD: But it was a fake nail and she quickly replaced it.
MIT: Top notch reporting.
USC: This has been a very exciting week in the Valley.
HARVARD: Oh -- um -- uh… We do have a public service announ -- announcement. There are certain areas tribes should avoid.
USC: Yes. The intersection of Palmer and Boynton has been overrun by pugs.
MIT: The corner of Granada and Maple is infested with mutant squirrels.
USC: And do not go near Forest Lawn. It is filled with rusty nails.
MIT: And used needles.
USC: And mosquito tornadoes.
MIT: And ghost hauntings.
HARVARD: And flash flood warnings.
USC: And buried mines.
MIT: And balloons that are about to pop.
USC: And the word "moist."
HARVARD: And traffic.
USC: And a bunch of little kids asking you to buy chocolate bars to fund their basketball camp.
MIT: And... quicksand.
HARVARD: We don't have any surveillance cameras in those areas. They were all knocked out by Baron Triumph's explosion. So we can't see you.
MIT: And we need to be able to see you.
USC: To see if anyone's in trouble.
HARVARD: And see what you're up to.
MIT: Completely innocent reasons.
HARVARD: So be sure to avoid those intersections.
MIT: The corner of Palmer and Boynton. Granada and Maple. And Forest Lawn. That's... Palmer and Boynton. Granada and Maple. And Forest Lawn.
HARVARD: As long as you stay away from those areas, we'll be able to watch you.
USC: And you can avoid all the pugs and Ghoulies -- and quicksand?
HARVARD: This isn't about spying on you like the German Stasi trying to gather all kinds of intimate information and we are most definitely not being forced to do this by a tribe that has taken -- I’m sorry about that abrupt audio edit. Yeah - I promise. It won't happen again. OKay everyone, it's time for the Tribe Spotlight. This week we will be meeting the STEM Punks. So please welcome George Fiske and Portia Spencer.
PORTIA: Wow. It's insane to be here.
GEORGE: Oh, we’re big stans. Since uh, day one. First episode.
HARVARD: Cool.
USC: Awesome.
MIT: Amazeballs.
PORTIA: Are you... okay? You're not your normal talkative and snarky selves.
HARVARD: Oh - we're fine.
USC: We are great.
MIT: We are double great.
PORTIA: So the last episode was a play...
HARVARD: That's right.
PORTIA: Cool stuff. Very Welcome to Nightvale vibes. Very Limetown.
GEORGE: Oh yeah, you totally tricked us. But then -- like in the episode -- there were a bunch of kids outside in suits?
HARVARD: Uh... Oh... Um… That's. USC?
USC: Right. Those kids are...
MIT: Fans?
HARVARD: Yes. Fans. It’s cosplay.
PORTIA: Cosplay?
HARVARD: Yeah. They are dressing up like the kids who, uh, air quote, attacked us.
USC: Which, as Optimus Prime reminded us, is different than larping.
PORTIA: But...? You only just said last week's episode was a radio play.
GEORGE: Yeah. They got here very quickly.
USC: Yes… The timing does seem…
MIT: Fast?
PORTIA: A little, but... You do have a loyal fan base. So I guess it adds up.
HARVARD: You sure you don't want to ask more questions about the suits?
PORTIA: Nah.
HARVARD: No?
GEORGE: Nah, we're good.
HARVARD: Okay, great. GREAT. Uh... Alright. Uh, so... STEM Punks... Tell us a little bit about yourself.
PORTIA: Well, not to sound pompous or anything, but we're probably the most important tribe in Glendale. We're the only kids with expertise in the science-technology-engineering-mathematics fields. AKA STEM. Duh. All the people who shunned us in high school and froze us out of any social activities like hanging out at the Denny's on Roscoe or smoking pot at Cy Greenberg's step-mom's condo are feeling pretty damn sorry right now. They don't have solar energy and dope-ass trucks running on corn oil. Like we do.
HARVARD: Cool.
USC: Awesome.
MIT: Amazeballs.
GEORGE: And we are willing to barter.
PORTIA: Yes. We can assist all tribes with their technological needs.
GEORGE: You want solar panels?
PORTIA: We can install them in minutes.
GEORGE: Natural gas generators?
PORTIA: We got you.
GEORGE: An automated Ghoulie early detection system laser fence?
PORTIA: We're like the Best Buy Geek Squad, but instead of properly calibrating HDTVs in your living room, we can save your dumb ass lives.
GEORGE: Oh, yeah. We just might need a little, like a small favor in return.
PORTIA: Protection. We have an abundance of smarts, but a critical lack in strength. Turbo used to protect us. But he's more outmoded than Newton's sine-square law of air resistance -- you know what I mean.
HARVARD: Uh, no... but we'd love to hear a little more about how you're applying STEM principles to apocalyptic survival.
PORTIA: Serious? No one ever wants to hear the technical stuff.
GEORGE: Yeah, they just want us to build drones that can deliver packages of death.
PORTIA: And then when we do -- they send the drones after us.
GEORGE: It’s like - don't those dummies know we'd build failsafes?
PORTIA: But it still hurts just like not being invited to smoke out at Cy Greenberg's step-mom's condo.
HARVARD: Well, we'd like to get your opinion on a dilemma. There are certain areas our cameras can't access.
USC: Dangerous areas.
MIT: With quicksand.
HARVARD: Can you help us fix them?
PORTIA: Yeah!
HARVARD: You really don't have to.
GEORGE: But, you just asked us to.
HARVARD: Yeah but it's not a requirement.
PORTIA: We love geeking about the tech stuff.
HARVARD: I’m just saying. You're free to decline.
PORTIA: You let us get the word out about our services, the least we can do is help you out. Fair swap.
HARVARD: That's great.
MIT: Double great.
PORTIA: So what cameras are you having problems with?
MIT: The corner of Palmer and Boynton. Granada and Maple. And Forest Lawn.
HARVARD: You really don't have to answer.
PORTIA: Why..?
HARVARD: Oh, I don't know. What if a rival tribe was holding us hostage and wanted this information and was using the Tribe Spotlight as a Trojan Horse to get total surveillance access of the Valley? That's not what's happening. But in case it is, you should be deliberately vague with what you tell us.
PORTIA: Wait...
HARVARD: Yes?
PORTIA: I know what you're doing.
HARVARD: You do...
PORTIA: Yes. This is totally a continuation of the radio play. Am-I-right?
HARVARD: Yep. You got us.
PORTIA: Cool.
USC: Awesome.
MIT: Amazeballs.
PORTIA: Well, your problem is easy enough to solve. The Verdugo mountains are just blocking the signal. So, you need an amplifier.
HARVARD: Thanks for that.
USC: Really.
MIT: Thank you.
PORTIA: If anyone wants to help protect us from that Blurred-Lines-listening, yolo-hashtag-using, Abercrombie-&-Fitch wearing tribe -- The Abercromies & Fitches. We are open for a trade. Our STEM workshop is at Cy Greenberg's step-mom's condo.
GEORGE: Got ‘em.
HARVARD: It's time for everyone's favorite segment, even though we've never actually had one -- it's The Celebrity Ghoulie of the Week.
USC: And unfortunately, we can't leave the studio to find a celebrity Ghoulie.
HARVARD: That's right. We can't. Because of those fucking kids in suits.
MIT: Who are just cosplaying. We have total free will and are at liberty to come and go as we please.
USC: That is correct. And they are not threatening us. Not even at all.
HARVARD: But we don't want to be mobbed by our fans, so instead -- we can look out the window and wait for a celebrity Ghoulie to walk by. See anything?
USC: No.
MIT: No.
HARVARD: Now?
USC: No.
HARVARD: Wait. Who's that over there?
USC: That's a shrub.
MIT: Oh. I thought it was Jimmy Fallon.
USC: No. That’s just a shrub.
MIT: Yeah.
HARVARD: All I see is the sun.
USC: Oh look some grass.
MIT: Trees.
HARVARD: Fresh air.
USC: A happy bird.
MIT: Oh, it has two heads.
USC: Yeah and both heads are happy.
HARVARD: I see sunflowers.
MIT: Yeah, they're beautiful.
USC: They’re just so... free.
HARVARD: Free to do whatever they want.
MIT: Mhm... Wait. Wait. I see a Ghoulie.
HARVARD: That's probably just the Jimmy Fallon shrub.
MIT: No. Look just past the shrub.
HARVARD: Oh. My. Shit.
USC: Wait, what -- what is it?
HARVARD: It's Jon Favreau.
MIT: Who?
HARVARD: Jon Favreau. Host of Pod Save America. He was on an episode of Marc Maron’s podcast. He must've been wandering around the wasteland and muscle memory brought him back here. It’s just what I told you guys would happen. I just thought it’d be Sarah Silverman.
USC: Hey, congrats, Harvard. You finally got a celebrity Ghoulie. I mean, he's not exactly meaningful to our generation. It's not like getting Lil Yachty or Pewdiepie or Joji or someone cool, but still -- he is technically a celebrity.
HARVARD: Oh, can you hear what he's saying?
MIT: Um. No. He's too far away.
USC: Maybe -- maybe we can turn up the mic.
HARVARD: Oh - Producer Mark?
MIT: We need to get him closer.
USC: Um, uh. Here. Make -- make noise. Bang on the walls.
HARVARD: It's working.
MIT: He's getting closer.
USC: He's almost here...
HARVARD: No... wait!
USC: Oh, shit!!
MIT: Oh, no…
HARVARD: Listeners. The cosplayers wearing suits are beating the shit out of the Jon Favreau ghoulie.
USC: God it’s brutal.
MIT: Un-Amazeballs. Badballs. Very uncoolballs.
HARVARD: He's crawling over here.
USC: Wait, wait -- sh, sh, sh. I think he's saying something.
MIT: Producer Mark, turn the mic way up?
HARVARD: Shhhhhh.
MIT: I’m sorry!
HARVARD: He's talking.
MARC MARON: I’m starting to question podcasting as a medium.
HARVARD: I -- I can't believe we waited six episodes to hear that!!!
USC: You excited you finally got what you wanted? That celebrity dribble?
MIT: Oh my god
USC: They’re so stupid!
MIT: It’s like also a bad look -- right? Like what??
USC: Wow -- we learned a lot!
MIT: Adults are idiots. Totally.
USC: Wait, wait, hold on.
MIT: Why? What?
MIT: Hey, Havard. Are you crying?
HARVARD: I... I miss Gap-Year, guys. I think he would've liked this.
USC: Yeah, yeah. No, he absolutely would've.
MIT: Yeah.
HARVARD: The kids in suits...
USC: Cosplayers.
HARVARD: Kids in suits! They're still here.
MIT: K. Don't do this, Harvard.
HARVARD: I can't not. These kids are fucking Rachel Dolezal level sociopaths. Lying. Deceitful. Insane.
USC: Sh -- shut up. You know what they're going to do to us if you tell the truth.
HARVARD: I can't do this. I can't be like that lying moth.
USC: If you shut the fuck up we might make it through this.
HARVARD: But... they killed Gap-Year.
MIT: I know, and I don't want to die.
HARVARD: They killed Gap-Year.
USC: Stop it. Let's just get back to doing the show.
HARVARD: Can I have a moment to myself?
USC: Um. Yeah. Sure. Take as much time as you need, I guess.
USC: Harvard!!! Come on! Let us in!!!!
MIT: Don’t do it. Don’t. Do it.
USC: Hey. You’re gonna get us all killed Harvard!
MIT: MARC TURN IT OFF!
USC: All of us! Do you want to end up like Gap-Year?
MIT: HEY!!
USC: Come on!
MIT: Open the door.
USC: They’re -- Harvard. Let’s go. Come on.
MIT: Melissa, please.
HARVARD: We really are being held captive by the kids in suits. The radio play was just a cover story. They've been making us do this podcast and read from a script like propaganda, just like USC said. I don't know who this tribe is. Or what they want. But they're watching the Valley. AND THEY CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
MIT: MELISSA!!! STOP IT!!!
HARVARD: They're going to get in soon. And I don’t have much time. So I have to confess something. The truth... The truth about the podcast. And the truth is... I led on USC and MIT. I wanted so badly to have a successful podcast that I played love cons so we could gain listeners through drama. I led you all on. I just wanted to make something relevant. But I manipulated you guys. And I did it on purpose because I didn't know any other way. But then, I actually fell in love. With YOU GUYS. The audience. I love you so much. I'm so sorry. So sorry. We didn’t mean for this to happen. This was supposed to be just a fan podcast, okay? We wanted to have a place for people to go and talk about what they were going through, about how they were surviving the end of the world. We wanted people to know that there was someone else out there going through the same thing they were going through. That they weren't alone, okay? But instead... I think that we accidentally found a way to spy on you. And now, you all in danger. And I'm pretty sure that we weaponized podcasting -- Shit -- STOP!! STOP IT!!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
MIT: Hello, sorry for the interruption. It’s me, MIT. And also here is USC. And we are back, and it’s normal.
USC: I'm very sorry to tell you that it appears Harvard had a psychotic break. The apocalypse has gotten to her. Everything she just said is fake news... It is not the truth. It is a false narrative. There are no people in suits spying on you. Everything is completely normal.
MIT: Unfortunately, it looks like Harvard's not coming back to the podcast, for health reasons. But we will be here to keep going. Stay tuned... Hit subscribe... Okay - Uh -- Um -- The credits? Yeah. Our show is edited by Mark Montoya. Devon "USC" Arnold is the Culture Desk. Astrid "MIT" Cortez, that's -- that’s me, is the Engineer. Our Executive Producer is... Uh... was... Melissa "Harvard" Krom. This is "The Only Podcast Left."